Ok here's the deal, this is going to get nasty if you don't want to read it that's fine I understand...
I spend all day with Ben taking care of him..and James is at work dealing with customers but not dealing with a baby. He comes home from work and right away starts dinner. Now this is at approx 5. Ben wants to spend time with his Daddy since he hasn't seen him all day plus I would like a little break. James gets upset when Ben crawls over to him when he's trying to cook, plus I have to feed Ben his dinner since it's that time and James is cooking. Now don't get me wrong I love my son and I love my husband and I really appreciate the fact that James cooks but he doesn't have to do it right away after coming home. Even then after he has started cooking and he gets a second he goes straight to the computer and when Ben cries..."Ben your ok." Is what Ben and I hear. This has been bugging me for a bit and I have tried to talk about it....but as my husband says about me "it goes in one ear and out the other." Since he claims that I don't care about him since he's sick and he's hurting. I was majorly depressed yesterday that I didn't get much of anything done and all he does is complain about himself, how much he's hurting, the lack of sleep and how I don't care. Then at night Ben woke up screaming...I have no idea why and so I go get him and I couldn't find the bottle to make it for him so I asked James. He grumbles and gets irate because his sleep is being disturbed. He keeps throwing this threat out that he's just going to find some other place to live so he can sleep. That really didn't help my depression, in fact i'm still in that funk a little but this is helping to get it all off my chest. What I can't figure out is how he can say I don't care about him getting sleep when I leave the room to go read out in the living room, or I leave just so he can sleep. I have actually gone out into the living room and used the couch there to sleep just so I can take care of Ben if he wakes up in the middle of the night so he can sleep. James gave me a night out last week and it was great even with me having a reaction. I just want to be able to spend more time with him and ben as a family....plus I would love to spend more time with him alone after Ben goes to bed. I would also love to go to bed one night and not end up crying.
Ok I'm done with my little fit and it feels better to get it off my chest. Sorry about that everyone and I promise you won't see a blog like this again for quite a while. Thanks for making it through this and hearing me out...I just hope my husband doesn't get too upset about this.
Thursday, November 20, 2008
Monday, November 17, 2008
Quilt of Holes
I posted this in some other sites, but I also wanted to post it here since I don't have some of them anymore and I wanted to make sure I kept it somewhere so I can still share it. You might have seen it before, but it doesn't hurt to read it again. I have needed this here lately, and I know my husband has also.....so here you go enjoy.
Quilt of Holes
As I faced my Maker at the last judgment, I knelt before the Lord along with all the other souls.
Before each of us laid our lives like the squares of a quilt in many piles; an angel sat before each of us sewing our quilt squares together into a tapestry that is our life.
But as my angel took each piece of cloth off the pile, I noticed how ragged and empty each of my squares was. They were filled with giant holes. Each square was labeled with a part of my life that had been difficult, the challenges and temptations I was faced with in every day life. I saw hardships that I endured, which were the largest holes of all.
I glanced around me. Nobody else had such squares. Other than a tiny hole here and there, the other tapestries were filled with rich color and the bright hues of worldly fortune. I gazed upon my own life and was disheartened.
My angel was sewing the ragged pieces of cloth together, threadbare and empty, like binding air.
Finally the time came when each life was to be displayed, held up to the light, the scrutiny of truth. The others rose; each in turn, holding up their tapestries. So filled their lives had been. My angel looked upon me, and nodded for me to rise.
My gaze dropped to the ground in shame. I hadn't had all the earthly fortunes. I had loved in my life, and laughter. But there had also been trials of illness, and wealth, and false accusations that took from me my world, as I knew it. I had to start over many times. I often struggled with the temptation to quit, only to somehow muster the strength to pick up and begin again. I spent many nights on my knees in prayer, asking for help and guidance in my life. I had often been held up to ridicule, which I endured painfully, each time offering it up to the Father in hopes that I would not melt within my skin beneath the judgmental gaze of those who unfairly judged me.
And now, I had to face the truth. My life was what it was, and I had to accept it for what it was.
I rose and slowly lifted the combined squares of my life to the light.
An awe-filled gasp filled the air. I gazed around at the others who stared at me with wide eyes. Then, I looked upon the tapestry before me. Light flooded the many holes, creating an image, the face of Christ. Then our Lord stood before me, with warmth and love in His eyes. He said, 'Every time you gave over your life to Me, it became My life, My hardships, and My struggles. Each point of light in your life is when you stepped aside and let Me shine through, until there was more of Me than there was of you.'
May all our quilts be threadbare and worn, allowing Christ to shine through!
God determines who walks into your life...it's up to you to decide who you let walk away, who you let stay, and who you refuse to let go.
When there is nothing left but God, that is when you find out that God is all you need.
Have a great day and just remember that God loves us and will only give us what we can handle.
Quilt of Holes
As I faced my Maker at the last judgment, I knelt before the Lord along with all the other souls.
Before each of us laid our lives like the squares of a quilt in many piles; an angel sat before each of us sewing our quilt squares together into a tapestry that is our life.
But as my angel took each piece of cloth off the pile, I noticed how ragged and empty each of my squares was. They were filled with giant holes. Each square was labeled with a part of my life that had been difficult, the challenges and temptations I was faced with in every day life. I saw hardships that I endured, which were the largest holes of all.
I glanced around me. Nobody else had such squares. Other than a tiny hole here and there, the other tapestries were filled with rich color and the bright hues of worldly fortune. I gazed upon my own life and was disheartened.
My angel was sewing the ragged pieces of cloth together, threadbare and empty, like binding air.
Finally the time came when each life was to be displayed, held up to the light, the scrutiny of truth. The others rose; each in turn, holding up their tapestries. So filled their lives had been. My angel looked upon me, and nodded for me to rise.
My gaze dropped to the ground in shame. I hadn't had all the earthly fortunes. I had loved in my life, and laughter. But there had also been trials of illness, and wealth, and false accusations that took from me my world, as I knew it. I had to start over many times. I often struggled with the temptation to quit, only to somehow muster the strength to pick up and begin again. I spent many nights on my knees in prayer, asking for help and guidance in my life. I had often been held up to ridicule, which I endured painfully, each time offering it up to the Father in hopes that I would not melt within my skin beneath the judgmental gaze of those who unfairly judged me.
And now, I had to face the truth. My life was what it was, and I had to accept it for what it was.
I rose and slowly lifted the combined squares of my life to the light.
An awe-filled gasp filled the air. I gazed around at the others who stared at me with wide eyes. Then, I looked upon the tapestry before me. Light flooded the many holes, creating an image, the face of Christ. Then our Lord stood before me, with warmth and love in His eyes. He said, 'Every time you gave over your life to Me, it became My life, My hardships, and My struggles. Each point of light in your life is when you stepped aside and let Me shine through, until there was more of Me than there was of you.'
May all our quilts be threadbare and worn, allowing Christ to shine through!
God determines who walks into your life...it's up to you to decide who you let walk away, who you let stay, and who you refuse to let go.
When there is nothing left but God, that is when you find out that God is all you need.
Have a great day and just remember that God loves us and will only give us what we can handle.
Friday, November 14, 2008
Don't know where to start....
Wow, it has been awhile since I was on here last making an entry....that I really don't know where to start.
I had a friend who I grew up with and I told her that i'm not working anymore that I'm staying at home to take care of Ben...trying to be a good Stay At Home Mom and Wife. She laughed and said I know you, you won't last long. She is right in a way, I have a hard time staying at home. I am a very active person and sitting at home isn't all that I can do. I need to be able to do things...man I wish I had a vehicle. Having only one vehicle sucks! James told me that he wants to take me out tonight just me and him since he knows that I have been cooped up here for a while now. I really appreciate that and when I read that I started crying, because he just might be getting some of my feelings finally. Here lately I have been doing a lot of crying since things haven't been the greatest here. James has been a little snippy, and most of the time it gets directed at me. So maybe this outing will be good for both of us. My sister-in-law has agreed to watch Ben for us so we can have the alone time.
Man I can't believe that Ben is almost a year. My sister-in-law asked what size clothes he is wearing...I had to think about that for a bit. I can't believe he is in 12 month size and that he is almost 12 months. Time has really flown. She also made a comment about her daughter saying the same thing basically. She said that O was holding Ben by his hands as he was standing and she was sitting on the floor basically ready to catch Ben if he fell and she noticed that O looked like a giant compared to Ben. Now O is just 4 almost 5 and it doesn't even feel like it's been that long. I still remember the day that she was born. Other than my kids, she was the first one I have been there for the birth even though I was outside the door when she was born, not in the room. Having a baby, watching a baby...just babies in general are a wonderful gift from God. I applaud those women who give their babies up for adoption. That is a really tough thing to do. I'm not sure I would be able to do it. I have been baby crazy again for quite some time and for a while there I actually thought I was pregnant again. I was excited even though I kept telling myself I couldn't be. When I found out I wasn't, it actually devestated me. Ok enough baby talk it's depressing me again.
Well I am going to go so I can start getting ready....Yeah a night out!
I had a friend who I grew up with and I told her that i'm not working anymore that I'm staying at home to take care of Ben...trying to be a good Stay At Home Mom and Wife. She laughed and said I know you, you won't last long. She is right in a way, I have a hard time staying at home. I am a very active person and sitting at home isn't all that I can do. I need to be able to do things...man I wish I had a vehicle. Having only one vehicle sucks! James told me that he wants to take me out tonight just me and him since he knows that I have been cooped up here for a while now. I really appreciate that and when I read that I started crying, because he just might be getting some of my feelings finally. Here lately I have been doing a lot of crying since things haven't been the greatest here. James has been a little snippy, and most of the time it gets directed at me. So maybe this outing will be good for both of us. My sister-in-law has agreed to watch Ben for us so we can have the alone time.
Man I can't believe that Ben is almost a year. My sister-in-law asked what size clothes he is wearing...I had to think about that for a bit. I can't believe he is in 12 month size and that he is almost 12 months. Time has really flown. She also made a comment about her daughter saying the same thing basically. She said that O was holding Ben by his hands as he was standing and she was sitting on the floor basically ready to catch Ben if he fell and she noticed that O looked like a giant compared to Ben. Now O is just 4 almost 5 and it doesn't even feel like it's been that long. I still remember the day that she was born. Other than my kids, she was the first one I have been there for the birth even though I was outside the door when she was born, not in the room. Having a baby, watching a baby...just babies in general are a wonderful gift from God. I applaud those women who give their babies up for adoption. That is a really tough thing to do. I'm not sure I would be able to do it. I have been baby crazy again for quite some time and for a while there I actually thought I was pregnant again. I was excited even though I kept telling myself I couldn't be. When I found out I wasn't, it actually devestated me. Ok enough baby talk it's depressing me again.
Well I am going to go so I can start getting ready....Yeah a night out!
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About Me
- Chris
- I'm 33, married, 6 kids, most of the time loving life, I love anything outdoors and indoors, don't like video games much, love reading, love playing with kids and spending time with the family. Family is the greatest unity in the world, it's forever.