Feelings

So it has been almost a month since I last posted...a lot has happened and I don't know where to begin. Here lately I have just been so devestated and depressed. The holiday season always seems to do that to me. Yeah I put on a smily face and everything so it all looks normal, but on the inside i'm in pieces. I could probably use the help and talk to someone, but I just don't think it will totally help. A lot of my problems is the way my family treats me or doesn't treat me is the more accurate way to put it. I basically don't exist to my family. Even here in my own home I feel like a stranger a lot. I know my husband loves me and I love him, but I just feel so alone sometimes. I have been wanting to get pregnant again for a while and when the doc told me to stop taking everything that I was on because he wanted to see if the fibroid and cysts would grow or shrink I thought why not try now....Well now since having the IUD taken out since it caused a lot of the pain I was in I have been trying, but with no result. It has been over 6 months and considering the fact that it has never taken me long to get pregnant with any pregnancy I'm begining to think that I can't have any more kids because of this fibroid that is slowly growing, but still growing. I had a hope earlier this week that maybe this time worked, but it didn't it was all a crushing blow again. I have decided to quit testing because all it does is hurt me in the long run. This doesn't help the depressing feelings I am having right now. Even with having my family from Michigan here isn't helping since I haven't been able to see them at all. Hopefully today I will be able to spend at least 2 hours with them. They have been here since Friday and yet today is the first and only time I will be able to see them, and it's only going to be for dinner basically. I have so much hurt bottled up and I want to release it and move on with my life but I'm afraid I will blow up at someone I really love. I don't want to do that, so I have been using my blogs and my journal that James got me to vent and get a lot of my feelings out. I hope that the family members that might read this know this is not an attack against them or anything it's just my feelings deep down coming closer to the surface. I love all of my family....more than others though, but I love them all.

UGH!!!

Man this is extrememly frustrating....I just called my doctor's office to see if they have gotten my medical records transfered yet...and guess what?!?!?! They have no idea what I am talking about. WHAT!!! I filled out the paperwork and got it signed and it was susposed to be faxed over so my medical records could be released to my new doctor. UGH! This is so not right. I had an ultrasound done to determine if the fibroid has grown any and they can't tell unless they get the records. Plus my doc wants to do surgery to actually determine if I can whatever it is that I have...I forgot the name of it since I am so frustrated. Problem is also I am still having pains, and I want to find out what's going on and I can't do anything until they get my records. The person who had me fill out the forms and said she would take care of it isn't in until Wednesday. NOT FAIR! I want this taken care of, I want this done, I want to be able to live my life and not have to live with the pain, I would love to spend intimate time with my husband and not have pain, I would love to be able to find out if I can have another kid. I was told the fibroid was about 4 1/2 cm...I think it has grown because I don't remember it being that size...but I could be wrong. The doc's office said they would get try to get hold of the nurse who filled out the form with me on the 12th of Nov and see if she remembers what happened to it. Gosh, I really hope they find it, I know it would be easy to just go fill out a new form, but I don't have a vehicle to just go places. James has the vehicle to go to work, and I only get it when I have to do something....I have to go places tomorrow so if I don't get a call today back like they said then I will just go to IHC and Tanner Clinic and fill out a form at both places to transfer my records...Maybe then it will get done. . Ok well I better go I am working on rearranging the house so I can get the tree up. Wish me luck on that.