Feelings

So it has been almost a month since I last posted...a lot has happened and I don't know where to begin. Here lately I have just been so devestated and depressed. The holiday season always seems to do that to me. Yeah I put on a smily face and everything so it all looks normal, but on the inside i'm in pieces. I could probably use the help and talk to someone, but I just don't think it will totally help. A lot of my problems is the way my family treats me or doesn't treat me is the more accurate way to put it. I basically don't exist to my family. Even here in my own home I feel like a stranger a lot. I know my husband loves me and I love him, but I just feel so alone sometimes. I have been wanting to get pregnant again for a while and when the doc told me to stop taking everything that I was on because he wanted to see if the fibroid and cysts would grow or shrink I thought why not try now....Well now since having the IUD taken out since it caused a lot of the pain I was in I have been trying, but with no result. It has been over 6 months and considering the fact that it has never taken me long to get pregnant with any pregnancy I'm begining to think that I can't have any more kids because of this fibroid that is slowly growing, but still growing. I had a hope earlier this week that maybe this time worked, but it didn't it was all a crushing blow again. I have decided to quit testing because all it does is hurt me in the long run. This doesn't help the depressing feelings I am having right now. Even with having my family from Michigan here isn't helping since I haven't been able to see them at all. Hopefully today I will be able to spend at least 2 hours with them. They have been here since Friday and yet today is the first and only time I will be able to see them, and it's only going to be for dinner basically. I have so much hurt bottled up and I want to release it and move on with my life but I'm afraid I will blow up at someone I really love. I don't want to do that, so I have been using my blogs and my journal that James got me to vent and get a lot of my feelings out. I hope that the family members that might read this know this is not an attack against them or anything it's just my feelings deep down coming closer to the surface. I love all of my family....more than others though, but I love them all.