Feelings

So it has been almost a month since I last posted...a lot has happened and I don't know where to begin. Here lately I have just been so devestated and depressed. The holiday season always seems to do that to me. Yeah I put on a smily face and everything so it all looks normal, but on the inside i'm in pieces. I could probably use the help and talk to someone, but I just don't think it will totally help. A lot of my problems is the way my family treats me or doesn't treat me is the more accurate way to put it. I basically don't exist to my family. Even here in my own home I feel like a stranger a lot. I know my husband loves me and I love him, but I just feel so alone sometimes. I have been wanting to get pregnant again for a while and when the doc told me to stop taking everything that I was on because he wanted to see if the fibroid and cysts would grow or shrink I thought why not try now....Well now since having the IUD taken out since it caused a lot of the pain I was in I have been trying, but with no result. It has been over 6 months and considering the fact that it has never taken me long to get pregnant with any pregnancy I'm begining to think that I can't have any more kids because of this fibroid that is slowly growing, but still growing. I had a hope earlier this week that maybe this time worked, but it didn't it was all a crushing blow again. I have decided to quit testing because all it does is hurt me in the long run. This doesn't help the depressing feelings I am having right now. Even with having my family from Michigan here isn't helping since I haven't been able to see them at all. Hopefully today I will be able to spend at least 2 hours with them. They have been here since Friday and yet today is the first and only time I will be able to see them, and it's only going to be for dinner basically. I have so much hurt bottled up and I want to release it and move on with my life but I'm afraid I will blow up at someone I really love. I don't want to do that, so I have been using my blogs and my journal that James got me to vent and get a lot of my feelings out. I hope that the family members that might read this know this is not an attack against them or anything it's just my feelings deep down coming closer to the surface. I love all of my family....more than others though, but I love them all.

UGH!!!

Man this is extrememly frustrating....I just called my doctor's office to see if they have gotten my medical records transfered yet...and guess what?!?!?! They have no idea what I am talking about. WHAT!!! I filled out the paperwork and got it signed and it was susposed to be faxed over so my medical records could be released to my new doctor. UGH! This is so not right. I had an ultrasound done to determine if the fibroid has grown any and they can't tell unless they get the records. Plus my doc wants to do surgery to actually determine if I can whatever it is that I have...I forgot the name of it since I am so frustrated. Problem is also I am still having pains, and I want to find out what's going on and I can't do anything until they get my records. The person who had me fill out the forms and said she would take care of it isn't in until Wednesday. NOT FAIR! I want this taken care of, I want this done, I want to be able to live my life and not have to live with the pain, I would love to spend intimate time with my husband and not have pain, I would love to be able to find out if I can have another kid. I was told the fibroid was about 4 1/2 cm...I think it has grown because I don't remember it being that size...but I could be wrong. The doc's office said they would get try to get hold of the nurse who filled out the form with me on the 12th of Nov and see if she remembers what happened to it. Gosh, I really hope they find it, I know it would be easy to just go fill out a new form, but I don't have a vehicle to just go places. James has the vehicle to go to work, and I only get it when I have to do something....I have to go places tomorrow so if I don't get a call today back like they said then I will just go to IHC and Tanner Clinic and fill out a form at both places to transfer my records...Maybe then it will get done. . Ok well I better go I am working on rearranging the house so I can get the tree up. Wish me luck on that.

Frustrated

Ok here's the deal, this is going to get nasty if you don't want to read it that's fine I understand...

I spend all day with Ben taking care of him..and James is at work dealing with customers but not dealing with a baby. He comes home from work and right away starts dinner. Now this is at approx 5. Ben wants to spend time with his Daddy since he hasn't seen him all day plus I would like a little break. James gets upset when Ben crawls over to him when he's trying to cook, plus I have to feed Ben his dinner since it's that time and James is cooking. Now don't get me wrong I love my son and I love my husband and I really appreciate the fact that James cooks but he doesn't have to do it right away after coming home. Even then after he has started cooking and he gets a second he goes straight to the computer and when Ben cries..."Ben your ok." Is what Ben and I hear. This has been bugging me for a bit and I have tried to talk about it....but as my husband says about me "it goes in one ear and out the other." Since he claims that I don't care about him since he's sick and he's hurting. I was majorly depressed yesterday that I didn't get much of anything done and all he does is complain about himself, how much he's hurting, the lack of sleep and how I don't care. Then at night Ben woke up screaming...I have no idea why and so I go get him and I couldn't find the bottle to make it for him so I asked James. He grumbles and gets irate because his sleep is being disturbed. He keeps throwing this threat out that he's just going to find some other place to live so he can sleep. That really didn't help my depression, in fact i'm still in that funk a little but this is helping to get it all off my chest. What I can't figure out is how he can say I don't care about him getting sleep when I leave the room to go read out in the living room, or I leave just so he can sleep. I have actually gone out into the living room and used the couch there to sleep just so I can take care of Ben if he wakes up in the middle of the night so he can sleep. James gave me a night out last week and it was great even with me having a reaction. I just want to be able to spend more time with him and ben as a family....plus I would love to spend more time with him alone after Ben goes to bed. I would also love to go to bed one night and not end up crying.

Ok I'm done with my little fit and it feels better to get it off my chest. Sorry about that everyone and I promise you won't see a blog like this again for quite a while. Thanks for making it through this and hearing me out...I just hope my husband doesn't get too upset about this.

Quilt of Holes

I posted this in some other sites, but I also wanted to post it here since I don't have some of them anymore and I wanted to make sure I kept it somewhere so I can still share it. You might have seen it before, but it doesn't hurt to read it again. I have needed this here lately, and I know my husband has also.....so here you go enjoy.

Quilt of Holes

As I faced my Maker at the last judgment, I knelt before the Lord along with all the other souls.

Before each of us laid our lives like the squares of a quilt in many piles; an angel sat before each of us sewing our quilt squares together into a tapestry that is our life.

But as my angel took each piece of cloth off the pile, I noticed how ragged and empty each of my squares was. They were filled with giant holes. Each square was labeled with a part of my life that had been difficult, the challenges and temptations I was faced with in every day life. I saw hardships that I endured, which were the largest holes of all.

I glanced around me. Nobody else had such squares. Other than a tiny hole here and there, the other tapestries were filled with rich color and the bright hues of worldly fortune. I gazed upon my own life and was disheartened.

My angel was sewing the ragged pieces of cloth together, threadbare and empty, like binding air.

Finally the time came when each life was to be displayed, held up to the light, the scrutiny of truth. The others rose; each in turn, holding up their tapestries. So filled their lives had been. My angel looked upon me, and nodded for me to rise.

My gaze dropped to the ground in shame. I hadn't had all the earthly fortunes. I had loved in my life, and laughter. But there had also been trials of illness, and wealth, and false accusations that took from me my world, as I knew it. I had to start over many times. I often struggled with the temptation to quit, only to somehow muster the strength to pick up and begin again. I spent many nights on my knees in prayer, asking for help and guidance in my life. I had often been held up to ridicule, which I endured painfully, each time offering it up to the Father in hopes that I would not melt within my skin beneath the judgmental gaze of those who unfairly judged me.

And now, I had to face the truth. My life was what it was, and I had to accept it for what it was.

I rose and slowly lifted the combined squares of my life to the light.

An awe-filled gasp filled the air. I gazed around at the others who stared at me with wide eyes. Then, I looked upon the tapestry before me. Light flooded the many holes, creating an image, the face of Christ. Then our Lord stood before me, with warmth and love in His eyes. He said, 'Every time you gave over your life to Me, it became My life, My hardships, and My struggles. Each point of light in your life is when you stepped aside and let Me shine through, until there was more of Me than there was of you.'

May all our quilts be threadbare and worn, allowing Christ to shine through!

God determines who walks into your life...it's up to you to decide who you let walk away, who you let stay, and who you refuse to let go.

When there is nothing left but God, that is when you find out that God is all you need.

Have a great day and just remember that God loves us and will only give us what we can handle.

Don't know where to start....

Wow, it has been awhile since I was on here last making an entry....that I really don't know where to start.

I had a friend who I grew up with and I told her that i'm not working anymore that I'm staying at home to take care of Ben...trying to be a good Stay At Home Mom and Wife. She laughed and said I know you, you won't last long. She is right in a way, I have a hard time staying at home. I am a very active person and sitting at home isn't all that I can do. I need to be able to do things...man I wish I had a vehicle. Having only one vehicle sucks! James told me that he wants to take me out tonight just me and him since he knows that I have been cooped up here for a while now. I really appreciate that and when I read that I started crying, because he just might be getting some of my feelings finally. Here lately I have been doing a lot of crying since things haven't been the greatest here. James has been a little snippy, and most of the time it gets directed at me. So maybe this outing will be good for both of us. My sister-in-law has agreed to watch Ben for us so we can have the alone time.

Man I can't believe that Ben is almost a year. My sister-in-law asked what size clothes he is wearing...I had to think about that for a bit. I can't believe he is in 12 month size and that he is almost 12 months. Time has really flown. She also made a comment about her daughter saying the same thing basically. She said that O was holding Ben by his hands as he was standing and she was sitting on the floor basically ready to catch Ben if he fell and she noticed that O looked like a giant compared to Ben. Now O is just 4 almost 5 and it doesn't even feel like it's been that long. I still remember the day that she was born. Other than my kids, she was the first one I have been there for the birth even though I was outside the door when she was born, not in the room. Having a baby, watching a baby...just babies in general are a wonderful gift from God. I applaud those women who give their babies up for adoption. That is a really tough thing to do. I'm not sure I would be able to do it. I have been baby crazy again for quite some time and for a while there I actually thought I was pregnant again. I was excited even though I kept telling myself I couldn't be. When I found out I wasn't, it actually devestated me. Ok enough baby talk it's depressing me again.

Well I am going to go so I can start getting ready....Yeah a night out!

My Debut Album

On Multiply I saw a friends blog and it had this Debut Album on it...there were rules you had to go by and this is the result of what my Debut Album would be....


"In Hand with Beauty" by Autocross

Here are the rules for it now, if you would like to try it....

1 - Go to http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Special:Random The first random Wikipedia article you get is the name of your band.

2 - Go to Random quotations: http://www.quotationspage.com/random.php3 The last four words of the very last quote of the page is the title of your first album. If you want to do this again, you'll hit refresh to generate new quotes, because clicking the quotes link again will just give you the same quotes over and over again.

3 - Go to flickr's "explore the last seven days" http://www.flickr.com/explore/interesting/7days/ Third picture, no matter what it is, will be your album cover.

Put it all together, that's your debut album.

Done

On Sunday after I got off work James tells me he has an appointment with the Bishop. Great, that means I have to get things done at my moms house really fast. I was going over there to get more of the baby stuff and hopefully find the car seat that Ben could use next since he is outgrowing the one he is in now. Well I found the clothes and those are now over here, but I didn't find the car seat yet. I still have to go back over there and get some more of the stuff. My mom and I found some boxes that had some of my stuff including my diaploma. How cool is that? I haven't seen that in forever and I finally found it. I pulled it out of the box because I was going to take it home with the clothes and guess what? Yeah, I left it there. I noticed the time and said shoot I have to go. James and Ben were waiting for me outside her house since the appointment was right away. The kids helped me by loading the three totes into the van. What great helpers when they want to be. They also got to spend the night last night and that was great. It felt really good to have them here again. I really miss them. This morning they even got ready for school really fast since they all wanted time to play with their baby brother. Which they did, even Mary after she got done with her shower. I'm not to sure she did a good job, but at least she took a shower. So now the reason for the title....the appointment with the Bishop was to get the guidelines for what we had to write in our letters to the First Presidency. These letters were to state our feelings on weither James should get his blessings restored or not. James had already wrote his letter on the first of the month, but I held off until I knew exactly what needed to be in there. He had to rewrite just a little bit, his was beautiful. It was especially touching when he talked about me and his feelings for me. I almost started crying, but I didn't since the kids were around, James knew how I felt though and that is all that matters. So I wrote mine and it took me a while to do. Not only did I have to stop a few times because of my emotions, but I felt like I had to rewrite it a few times. I would start typing something and suddenly it didn't feel right so I would basically reword it and then it felt better. That happened a lot during the letter, and at the end when I read it I felt really good about it. I let James read my letter, and he said it was good also, so now I just hope the Bishop agrees with it and it can be sent off. Bishop said the only letter he was worried about was mine.....well I hope that this will take care of things. Also hopefully soon, we can get this all sent off and get his blessings restored quickly. I love my husband and I would love to get sealed in the Temple with him. I haven't been in a temple yet as a memeber and I would love to go. I know I have to get the recommend first, but I am willing to do what it takes to get there. My only problem is after I get the recommend is getting a temple dress. I don't have any good friends that I could go shopping with and get a dress, especially for when we get sealed. Oh well I guess I will think of something. Ok gonna go for now.....I'll write more later.

Hello???

Is this thing working???? Can anyone see me??? I'm trying to figure this out and it's driving me nuts!!!!!